em.in.ny

 I woke up with ease today. No anxiety, only slight constipation. I am content today. I feel level headed and hopeful of how I am showing up. I am not expecting to change over night. But I am prioritizing change. I am not going from zero to one hundred- journal, meditation, read, workout, is not the morning routine. But not stealing and binge drinking is a start.

 I went to mass today on my lunch break. It was peaceful. For the first time in awhile I was able to sit in silence in a relatively crowded place and not feel anxious. I am calmer today than yesterday... that was a very overstimulating day. I woke up at 4:50 with crazy anxiety. I tried going on tiktok to numb it but it only made it worse... shocker. I felt extremely uncomfrtable on my way to work this morning because my jeans were too tight and it was hot outside. I had two mojito cocktails last night with my friend that came over to the apartment. Will I ever be able to socialize after work without drinking? I hope so. A client assumed I was in my thirties today, and that was a tough pill to swallow! Is it because I look tired without concealer? Or have I aged myself by staying in a job I don't like, in a relationship I don't love, and drinking to numb my intense feelings. It only makes me feel worse.  Working on a Saturday is not fun, but I don't know what else I would be...

I don't think I would be feeling this level of anxiety if I was making good choices and being a good, or the best version of myself. It's time to change my behavior and glow up. No more you know what. 

 I have been at my current job for three years. I started as a seasonal assistant and joined permanently the following season. I didn't love my first job as an assistant, but I grew to enjoy my permanent position as a service advisor and really loved my team. I don't dislike my team now, but there is no camaraderie among us anymore. It was a natural drift and also fueled by our toxic managers.  I feel drained being here. Every day I want to call out.  I have a second interview tomorrow for a brand called ZENA... I think I am the perfect candidate for this role. I had a touchbase with my manager today. He said I have not been myself... tell me why I started to almost bawl my eyes out. I'm drained!! I hate it here!! I don't feel valued or appreciated or motivated to stay. I want this job at ZENA. No I NEED ZENA. I have to do any and everything in my power tomorrow to ace this interview.

 I cannot keep loosing things. I've gotten better with age, but twentyfuckingseven years of this??!!!! I am too old to be loosing things. I wish I could say I misplaced a lip gloss, or toothbrush. No. It's my $4,000 uninsured panther watch + $3000 trinity diamond ring this time. I'm not going to say they're lost... let's NOT manifest that. It's misplaced . I am quite literally praying to Saint Anthony and committing to being a better person if my prayers are answered. I want to be a better person, regardless of loosing my watch and ring. This isn't the first time I've "misplaced" my Cartier jewelry. I lost my first piece- a love ring- that my Dad generously paid for. I only wore it for 4 weeks before throwing it away.... yeah, I'm convinced that it is in the bottom of my whole foods bag in a dumpster somewhere.  I don't want to put this negative energy out there that I've lost the watch. It's not possible. I've taken such go...

 Dare I say I was excited to write today? I took the bus in to work (yes I am a bus girly over subway girly) and I couldn't wait to get my cute little coffee and sit down to write. I know I dumped a lot yesterday, but that is how I want to roll with this blog... a thought and feeling release. I want to talk about my random dreams, my work, my aspirations, basically no topic is off limits here. As long as no one I know reads this we are peachy. I'm not ready to reveal who I am to the people that know me.  Morning thought: I don't think I am an alcoholic, I just don't have a great relationship with alcohol. We will get into both of these. I kind of want to scratch the surface on the alcohol.  I started drinking when I was 14- it was an all or nothing mentality. The first night I drank was with my sister and her older friends at my aunt's house. My aunt was out of town. I blacked out by 8pm off of probably 4 drinks. I was the drunk that would get extremely tired and le...