Hell of a first impression

 I want to find my creative side again. She's in there, somewhere deep down. I have been draining my creativity by doom scrolling and working a job that ROBS me of all creativity. I feel like a robot. I have sudden spurts of joy, but the creativity is gone. I'm addicted to shopping and food. Those have become my coping mechanisms. Oh and I am suddenly a kleptomaniac. Part of it is because I don't make enough to buy the things that I want. But that's the other thing... these are WANTS, not needs. I have gotten to the point where I steal wild caught salmon and grass fed beef because I don't want to pay 14.99. I'd rather spend that 14.99 on a sweet green salad. Does that make sense?

I recently moved into a more expensive apartment. With my best friend Hannah. I wish I could say the expense has been worth it, but this move has caused me more stress than my last place. And I hated the girl I shared a bathroom with. It is lovely living with a best friend, but it's also scary. Would if we don't vibe? Would if she ultimately triggers my eating disorder and finds out I'm a weirdo that can only fully enjoy food when I eat alone? She is my best friend, yes, but that part of me I have left in San Diego. None of my friends in NY fully know of my past with ED, nor do I want them to. James kind of knows. Yeah,

Then there's James. My boyfriend of 1 year and secret boyfriend for a year and some months. It's complicated. As they all say. It's really not that messy, I am just too embarrassed to tell my family and most of my friends that we are back together. He and I have broken up twice. The first time was for the same reason as the second. I didn't feel prioritized, and I felt like I was the only partner putting in effort. This relationship has taught me a lot about myself, and men honestly. Yes he is British, and apparently British men are notoriously terrible boyfriends, but I don't think he was much worse than the American men. In fact, he's been the best boyfriend out of the other (whole whopping 3!) that I've had.

The reason I want to start blogging is because I need to get out of a rut. I am toxically addicted to my screen, so if I am going to use a screen it better be for a healthy reason at some point in the day. I aspire to be like Carrie Bradshaw- she quit smoking, let go of Big, and made millions using her writing voice. Now I'm  not saying I want to be a big writer. I am way too basic for that. I just want to voice my thoughts, my feelings, and bring awareness to those thoughts and feelings. I'll get back to journaling eventually, but this is my tool for now. Plus I am at work on display and my manager thinks I am typing away an email this way ;)