Pray for forgiveness or ask for permission?

 I went to mass today on my lunch break. It was peaceful. For the first time in awhile I was able to sit in silence in a relatively crowded place and not feel anxious. I am calmer today than yesterday... that was a very overstimulating day. I woke up at 4:50 with crazy anxiety. I tried going on tiktok to numb it but it only made it worse... shocker.

I felt extremely uncomfrtable on my way to work this morning because my jeans were too tight and it was hot outside. I had two mojito cocktails last night with my friend that came over to the apartment. Will I ever be able to socialize after work without drinking? I hope so.

A client assumed I was in my thirties today, and that was a tough pill to swallow! Is it because I look tired without concealer? Or have I aged myself by staying in a job I don't like, in a relationship I don't love, and drinking to numb my intense feelings. It only makes me feel worse. 

Working on a Saturday is not fun, but I don't know what else I would be doing today. Sleeping in and then numbing myself some more with food or reality tv, exercise and then repeat?

On the bright side I made it to work on time and didn't call out. I also made it to church. I also called Dad and had a good chat. I also didn't steal someone's lunch or coffee today. Do I feel like an entirely different person for it? No. If I'm being transparent, I feel numb. 

I went to the doctor on Thursday and tested my hearing, heart rate, etc. All the things one does for a physical. The doctor didn't seem concerned about any of the test results until I shared that I haven't had my period in two years. She was more upset than I.

It's not that I don't want to have my period. I don't think it's convenient or cost effective. I think it's unhealthy and irresponsible. I know it is. But it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for things to go back to normal. I have seen multiple doctors and taken multiple tests. My hormones always come back as "normal."

I guess I went to church today to pray for forgiveness and ask for permission. Forgive me for being bad and lying and stealing and permit me to get a period and be a good person. Forgive me for losing my watch and permit me to get this job at REZA. Please.

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