Quiet Loud Mind

 I have been quiet on the outside but screaming on the inside today. We played this interactive pictionary game at work and I literally walked out in the middle of it to "take a client call" because I was overwhelmed and overstimulated. I am not even saying this dramatically. I was dripping in sweat. 

I have felt uncomfortable in my body and my mind which is truly the most dangerous and draining combo. It is hard for me to keep my eyes open at work right now, and I'm hoping this quick journal session will bring me back to life. I have 2 more hours left of work. TWO HOURS. I told myself I would leave early this morning because I feel that out of it. I just don't feel alive today. I have been scrolling on TikTok and snacking late in bed which I know is terrible for my energy levels the next day but Ive been doing this to cope. I haven't been drinking to cope which is good. I don't really want to drink. I'll take that as a win because just two weeks ago I was needing a drink every day after work, or every time I had a social event. 

I saw Courtney on Sunday and we had a pool day without alcohol. I felt anxious and tired from being anxious but I was content with my ability to stay sober and even go see James afterwards sober. Things like this motivate me to stay sober and give me confidence. 

Hannah's birthday is Saturday and I have nerves about the day of drinking. I am going to see how it goes. I have plans to go to the US Open with James at night and want to feel good for that. I am excited to go to the open for my first time, but I don't know if I want to go with HIM. 

Something that has been helping me not drink is calling alcohol "ugly juice." It really is ugly juice!!! Every time I drink wine or any alcohol I feel ugly the next day.

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