Top of the morning. We are talking about alcohol.

 Dare I say I was excited to write today? I took the bus in to work (yes I am a bus girly over subway girly) and I couldn't wait to get my cute little coffee and sit down to write. I know I dumped a lot yesterday, but that is how I want to roll with this blog... a thought and feeling release. I want to talk about my random dreams, my work, my aspirations, basically no topic is off limits here. As long as no one I know reads this we are peachy. I'm not ready to reveal who I am to the people that know me. 

Morning thought: I don't think I am an alcoholic, I just don't have a great relationship with alcohol. We will get into both of these. I kind of want to scratch the surface on the alcohol. 

I started drinking when I was 14- it was an all or nothing mentality. The first night I drank was with my sister and her older friends at my aunt's house. My aunt was out of town. I blacked out by 8pm off of probably 4 drinks. I was the drunk that would get extremely tired and lethargic early on so I would just go to bed. Call me a boring drinker at that point. Junior year was when I became reckless with drinking. I was not drinking every weekend, but when I did go out I would get so fucked up that my friends would have to call my parents (or an ambulance). Yeah, not good. I got so twisted at homecoming that my counselor dragged me out of the bathroom stall, with piss and yack all over me. Not only did shame and embarrassment come from that but I got suspended, put into therapy by my parents, and kicked off my high school's tennis team. Needless to say, that was my breaking point of going out and drinking. I didn't drink again until college. Couldn't smell tequila without quivering for 3 years... until I realized it is the least caloric alcohol and does not break me out the way wine and beer do.

I drank veryyyy casually in college. I would fake taking shots at frat parties, in fear of being roofied (I was never roofied). I dated a druggie and alcoholic without realizing it. Looking back there were so many red flags of him being intoxicated when we were together. I was young and naïve and just thought he was moody. He was a terrible boyfriend. I wasn't a good communicator of my feelings. I was insecure and deep in an eating disorder. So deep that when my parents picked me up from college they dragged me straight to intensive outpatient treatment and said I had to get healthy before I could go back to school. Three months of summer was not enough time to recover. I had been battling ED since I was 13. I was 116 pounds of muscle from working out and eating no fat. I'm also 5'9 so that was concerning for my bmi. 

Sheesh we are going back this morning! I guess I just want to paint a picture for this...blog? My 0 viewers? I don't know why, but I feel obligated to giving context. Maybe this is my new version of therapy. I'm too tired to start from scratch with another therapist. I've been on sertraline for 7 months now- 75mg. Obviously I had to find a psychologist to get me on that, but she was $200 per session so I stopped. Not the Zoloft, I'm still on that. I have refills for the next month and then I need to find a provider to call it in for me for free. I think it's helping. The Zoloft. But that brings me back to drinking. When I drink on this antidepressant I get drunker faster (like they warned me), but I also experience the hangovers worse. It's become not worth it. I want to stop altogether, but I don't know how to socialize and not drink. I mean I do it every day at work, so I'm not so sure why it's difficult for me to socialize outside of work without a drink. I am worried about people judging. I have a wedding shower this weekend. The group of girls going are not only big drinkers, but they are LOUUUUD. I think I could deal not drinking around quieter drunks, but loud drunks just make me mad. And this is not one of those parties that I can just leave when I feel uncomfortable. We are taking a party bus to jersey for the entire day. Maybe this is practice. Good practice for me. I know I say this every month, but I really want August to be the month of no binge drinking. No hangovers.